Thursday, October 27, 2011

Chapter Twenty One: Wondering whether I can find the right hereafter for me

I had figured out that if I wanted to see somebody I just thought about them very intensely and they were apt to show up.  I wanted to tell Jimmy Dean that I had found out where my dad was.  I wanted to get Jimmy's advice on how to look for the best hereafter for me.
James did not seem surprised when I told him that my cousin Pace had told me my dad was living in the hereafter for gay men.  He said that he spent quite a lot of time talking to bisexuals, too, in that hereafter who had been molested as he had been when he was just a young boy.  Elizabeth Taylor, the famous movie actress, released a statement not long before she died I had also read that in a long confidential talk James Dean told her, when they starred together in his last movie, that a pastor who was supposed to be helping him after the death of his mother molested him.  He must have been an adorable young boy.  I felt very bad for him when I read that.  I had not been privy to this information when I was talking to him in his spirit form after he was killed, but I knew that something had precipitated his death in the car wreck.
Otherwise his natural instincts would have kicked in and kept him from keeping a date with death at such a young age.  I did not think that anything happened purely by chance.
Jimmy said yes, it was true, that he knew that he was very fragile and that becoming a famous movie star might possibly be the death of him, and it was.  I believed him because I had always known that I was no longer strong enough to be a mother plus a famous playwright, too.  I thought becoming a mother would be more fulfilling and a sure thing, so I chose to be a mother and let my ambition to become a famous playwright go, even though I thought I was capable of writing some powerful plays.
Jimmy said during our talk that he thought Tyrone was very talented, too, but he would have to go very easy or he could easily lose his life, trying to become too famous.  He said some people were destined not to be able to take the harsh spotlight of notoriety which could be very dangerous.  He said he thought Tyrone would be all right if he just did not aim too high.
I told Jimmy I thought my dad had been drawn into sexual activities with older males, probably when he was very young, since he tampered with alcohol and tried to be too tough even when he was a kid, so I thought he like Jimmy had been unable to be normal due to other people impacting his life certain ways.  He could not have helped what happened to him any more than I could help having been molested at a very young age by one of the men my dad actually brought too close to his family without knowing them well. But I told Jimmy I would probably need to find a hereafter for the children of such men who accepted this kind of weakness in their dads.
Naturally the ones who did not accept that their dads might have a split personality would not be there.
Jimmy said no, they would probably seek some kind of religious heaven where homosexuality was thought to be a grievous sin.  I had been so young when I perceived my dad's split due to the whole experience of being molested by one of his 'friends, that I had learned to accept it, but I knew my sisters did not accept it and doubted whatever evidence I offered, which was circumstantial, but there had been quite a lot of that.  I did not want to catch my father in a sexual act with a male, and I hadn't, but I had still seen enough to convince me that he had a problem in this area.  But I was very tired of arguing with my sisters about this subject, and I just wanted to go to a hereafter where I would not be expected to argue and fight with anybody.  I asked Jimmy if that was possible.
He said he thought so, because of course heaven was not a place for family fights.  He wondered if I could tolerate any family disagreements at all, even mild ones.  I said I doubted that we would ever be able to agree about this subject, as it was a difficult one.  And the worst thing about being molested was probably the role my dad played in bringing the guy around.  He made him jealous and angry one day and he saw me and decided to take revenge.  He dragged me off down around the hill and hid me in the corn where I experienced probably the worst experience in my life.  I was barely more than a baby and was sexually attacked by an ugly older man about forty. He didn't physically harm me during any of the three times he abducted me, but he had left scars on my soul and emotional trauma that was still giving me problems mainly because of this man's relatively temporary connection to my dad. 
I decided not to tell my dad who I thought would take his gun and try to murder him, if possible.  A man would be dead and he would be the murderer which I thought would be bad for the family.
Jimmy said he had told very few people about being molested, obviously, as he thought if such an experience came to light his career in the movies would be over as producers wanted to think their gorgeous young stars were healthy and innocent and his bad experience had unfortunately gone on too long not to be damaging.  And now he was in Hollywood, bisexuals were hitting on him all the time.  Coming out with an experience of being molested just wasn't done by a young rising star.  He thought producers would think it better if he got killed in a car accident.  So he proceeded down the dark road to his death, sensing all the time that it was coming but not able to save himself, just as he had been unable to save himself from a too helpful pastor when his mother died.  Bad thing after bad thing kept happening in his life.  He got to expecting it, so when the car suddenly darted in front of him, and he was unable to prevent a fatal collision, he was ready to accept the hand that fate had dealt him without protest.
"There was a lot of speculation about whether you might be a young bisexual," I told him.
"Oh yes," he said, "every story in the world went around about me, but I doubt if anything rumored was as bad as the truth."
"What kind of hereafter did you try to find after you expired in a violent car crash?" I asked.
"I was like you.  Every place I thought to go hurt my head.  I found my mother but I still could not understand why such terrible things happened to both of us. So I can understand why you need a particular place to go, tailored to your needs."
"People cannot help but victimize the victim, kill the messenger who brings bad news."
"No, because the story of a young person being victimized makes everyone feel unsafe, but believe me we have many victims coming here, so there are hereafters created just for them."
"I may not be able to see my family for a long time, as I have to quit fighting with them.  I am never going to get healthy again if I have to keep fighting about the past."
"That is right.  Every member of a family has a different experience.  The dad they experienced is not going to be the dad you perceived, so in order not to quarrel about who is right, family members just might have to agree to disagree and accept separation as a family."
"I don't see any other solution," I said, "which is why I did not go and try to find my dad. I am not eager to talk to any member of my family if all we are going to do is fight about what happened back then.  That goes for aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas, grandpas.  Anybody I think I might get into a big disagreement with I would rather not see."
"I can certainly understand that," said Jimmy, surprisingly.  "The fighting has to stop sometime.  It is more important that you rest from fighting than it is for you to be a family.  This happens more often than you think.  Parents get to fighting.  They separate.  So it is natural for their kids to have huge disagreements, too, siding with one parent or the other, or with neither."
"I am weary to the bone with family fighting," I said.  "I lived with a lot of different members so it is unbelievable how many of my family I have had disagreements with!" 
"I will look around," said Jimmy, "and see if I can find a place where you might go to get rejuvenated. If you have been living in a mixed society of the religious as well as skeptic family members, you have experienced probably one of the most contentious societies possible. We are well aware that people are coming here, battle weary, and tired.  Needing rest from constant conflict.  Keeping that in mind, I will try to find some answers, and will let you know when I think I have found a place for you to go."
Jimmy left me somewhat puzzled about what he could possibly do for me, but he seemed confident he could come up with something.  I was alone again.  Still nervous and unable to think of anything I could do, I just sat.  And finally I must have dozed off.....

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